waiting. and waiting.

I haven't written here in more than a month.  And I can't believe it.

I'm not even really sure why.  Part of me is just trying to get through these weeks leading up to IVF.  Part of me wants to avoid thinking about it and therefore avoid writing about it.  Part of me wants to pretend everything is normal.

But it's not.  My mind is constantly swirling with worry and hope and anticipation and anxious thoughts.  I often wish that at my most recent appointment my doctor, instead of telling me my IVF was being pushed back more than a month, would have said -- We're doing this tomorrow!  Get ready!

What could I do then?  I'd have no choice but to be excited and unprepared and just go for it.  There wouldn't have been these weeks of conflicting feelings and a cloudy head and all the ups and downs that come with waiting.  The waiting that I know all too well and despise so very much.  And today, I would know what the outcome was.

I want nothing more than for January 20th to be here -- the day of my planned embryo transfer.  I want to have completed the process and know that I've done all that I could.  I also don't want January 20th to arrive, because that will mean a new kind of waiting begins.  And when that wait is over, I will have an answer.  If it's the answer I want more than anything in this life, then I can only imagine my joy and excitement and relief and hope.  If it's not, I don't want to even think about the darkness I might feel.  I want to enter all of this as positively as possible, and I really do feel so hopeful and excited, but I am not blind to the other possible outcome.  And it's hard to completely dismiss and keep from clouding my perspective.

As I sit at the library with every intention of studying for my graduate statistics final (I do miss the days of no finals...), I instead turned to my blog.  Because my mind isn't full of formulas or probability or hypothesis testing.  It's full of hopes for our future and the child we so desperately long for.  It's full of questions and anticipation regarding my upcoming procedures.  It's full of fantasies of a plump belly and swollen ankles and movement within.

It is my hope that once this semester is over and I'm able to completely dedicate my energy and focus to the holidays and my family and friends, that my mind will be occupied by the joy and energy of the season.  And when all of it has passed and it's time to go home and return to a quieter life, we will begin IVF.

I can't wait.