This post might be a little personal, but it's another glorious aspect of this infertility struggle.
Infertility and the treatments that go along with it rob you of so many of the joys of life. Sanity? Gone. Emotional stability? Non-existent. Sense of humor? Only sometimes there. Confidence? Shot. Happiness and joy for others? You have to try really, really hard. Energy levels? Particularly low. Sex drive? Apparently not so great either.
Throughout my Lupron injections and pseudo-menopause experience, after surgery and various medications, even through hot flashes and headaches -- I never really lost my sex drive. I kept waiting for it, because I was told it might be a problem. But it never went away, and I was thankful because that was one thing that went easy on my marriage.
But now I'm off the Lupron, my hormones are elevated again, I get my period, I've exited menopause... and I have no sex drive. I'm on birth control pills to regulate my hormones and my cycle, and all I can tell myself to explain it is that my body has finally been put through hell -- why would I want to have sex? My hormones went from not existing to being way up there in a matter of a month. My body has been poked and prodded. I take medications meant for people with different problems and diseases, and so I feel sluggish and exhausted. Very low-energy.
I've gained a little weight in hopes that it will help with IVF, and even though it's not much, it doesn't quite feel like me. I'm not as motivated. I'm tired.
My husband continues to be supportive and understands that my body has been through a lot. But something like this is bound to affect a relationship. Just like everything else -- every other aspect of this crazy experience -- it's something we have to get through together.
If nothing else, these dry spells will help prepare him for the wait time before his IVF specimen is taken. :) The silver lining?
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
my appointment was made.
I called my RE's office literally the moment they opened yesterday morning, as I had planned. I even ducked out of a meeting to stand in the hall and hit redial until it actually started ringing rather than going to their answering machine.
I spoke with the saint of a receptionist who continually tolerates me and supports me and comforts me. And she had good news. The RE and his fertility nurse had finally stayed late last night to play catch up from their absence and go through all of the waiting charts -- including mine. They went through all of my info and my cycle timing and decided I could be mapped on Oct. 30th at 3:30 p.m.
I have a fucking appointment, thank god. Finally.
I immediately felt relieved just to have an answer, to know that I can go in there and talk to someone face-to-face and get a read on how all of this will go. I was truly, truly contemplating ditching the whole plan. Not because my intense desire to have a baby is waning, but because I was losing confidence in the whole situation. I was considering finding another doctor, starting over.
But that thought sent me into wild sobs, too. I couldn't come up with a good plan that would make me feel better. To find another doctor would mean starting over -- with everything. I would abandon a whole year worth of work. It would mean investing even more money in this whole process to retest what we've already tested. It would mean a delay, and time is something I want to keep on my side.
If I can go back to my RE and achieve that feeling of We're going to get this figured out, then I will feel better again. If I can leave there feeling cared about, then my questioning and doubt might go away.
Until then, though, I know I'll be nervous for this appointment. I just want to be positive and feel good about every step I take moving forward. I want to feel like everyone is in my corner, like everyone is rooting for my positive results. I want to feel like I'm not just a patient to my doctor but someone he cares about and wants to succeed beyond how it reflects on his practice. I want to feel like I did all the other times I had appointments there. I want to forget that I was completely neglected for a month.
Really, more than anything, at the end I want this to work. That's all I want. That's all I want.
I spoke with the saint of a receptionist who continually tolerates me and supports me and comforts me. And she had good news. The RE and his fertility nurse had finally stayed late last night to play catch up from their absence and go through all of the waiting charts -- including mine. They went through all of my info and my cycle timing and decided I could be mapped on Oct. 30th at 3:30 p.m.
I have a fucking appointment, thank god. Finally.
I immediately felt relieved just to have an answer, to know that I can go in there and talk to someone face-to-face and get a read on how all of this will go. I was truly, truly contemplating ditching the whole plan. Not because my intense desire to have a baby is waning, but because I was losing confidence in the whole situation. I was considering finding another doctor, starting over.
But that thought sent me into wild sobs, too. I couldn't come up with a good plan that would make me feel better. To find another doctor would mean starting over -- with everything. I would abandon a whole year worth of work. It would mean investing even more money in this whole process to retest what we've already tested. It would mean a delay, and time is something I want to keep on my side.
If I can go back to my RE and achieve that feeling of We're going to get this figured out, then I will feel better again. If I can leave there feeling cared about, then my questioning and doubt might go away.
Until then, though, I know I'll be nervous for this appointment. I just want to be positive and feel good about every step I take moving forward. I want to feel like everyone is in my corner, like everyone is rooting for my positive results. I want to feel like I'm not just a patient to my doctor but someone he cares about and wants to succeed beyond how it reflects on his practice. I want to feel like I did all the other times I had appointments there. I want to forget that I was completely neglected for a month.
Really, more than anything, at the end I want this to work. That's all I want. That's all I want.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
pain of going home.
I'm not even sure that I should write a post about this because I don't know that it's fair. (And it will once again reveal how crazy I am.)
My husband and I went home to my in-laws' for a long weekend a few days ago. I was really looking forward to it because we hadn't seen them in a few months, and I was eager to have a few days away from the daily routines that dominate my life lately. I have really wonderful in-laws whom I love very much and actually enjoy spending time with.
But when it comes to my in-laws, our infertility is kind of a strange topic. My husband is much more private about our issues than I am, so my family knows all about it, and he has kept his largely in the dark. It wasn't until late this summer that they even knew about his fertility issues, and they didn't find out about mine until the night before I was going in for surgery back in April -- you know, just in case something happened. I don't completely agree with this approach because I don't want our infertility to feel like a secret, like something we need to hide and be ashamed of. I don't know that that's how my husband really feels (he says it's not) -- he is a private person, after all -- but I can't help but wonder.
At this point in time, partially thanks to my inability to keep all of this under wraps, his parents pretty much know exactly what's going on. They know that we've been told IVF is our only option. They know we will consider adoption if our IVF attempt doesn't work. They know we both have issues that aren't easily solved. They know about my emotional struggles with all of it, and they know about my husband's very rational approach to everything.
As time has gone on, it has become a topic that is more and more comfortable for my in-laws, I think. At first, they never ever brought it up -- which kind of made me frustrated and angry at times. Or if I brought it up, the only response I ever got was something positive -- a la "It will all work out! Keep your chin up!" This kind of response made me want to scream. Now, though, I am able to talk more freely about it, they ask questions, they seem more engaged and interested, and they also seem to have a bit more compassion. And I am so thankful that they've come around a bit.
As far as we know, my husband's siblings, a young sister and a younger brother, are mostly in the dark. Or maybe that's me being naive. I suppose it would be reasonable (and would definitely happen in my family) to assume that my husband's parents have filled his siblings in. If they do know, though, they don't let on. For some reason it doesn't bother me one bit to think that his siblings don't know anything about our struggles. For some reason I'd almost rather it remain that way.
Confession: I'm a fairly competitive person. To be competitive when it comes to fertility seems ridiculous, but I think what I feel is this dread of all of those around me, those I love, realizing this dream of having children before I do. Even though I started on the path first, even though I've put in the time, energy, emotional wackiness, money, physically draining procedures and medications and exams, etc. -- I'm afraid that everyone around me will get to the finish line first. And I have already experienced this awful phenomenon several times with close friends. But it would be so much more difficult if my sister-in-law were to have a baby first, or if my brother-in-law were to. It would mean that they could give make my in-laws' dreams of being grandparents come true. It would mean that all kinds of excitement and pride and love would revolve around them. It would mean that I would have to watch from the shadowy corners in pain, knowing that I can't have what they can.
Granted -- none of this is happening. Hopefully none of this happens any time soon. Neither of them are even married (both are in serious relationships). But every time I go home to my in-laws', I can't help but think about it.
And so this brings us to something I'm embarrassed to admit. My sister-in-law has fairly recently entered into a serious relationship with a guy she met at work. Recently we all found out that he has a daughter who doesn't live with him. My SIL had never met her until this weekend -- when we all did. This whole situation is a source of anxiety and jealousy for my sister-in-law. She's looking at this guy as a potential life partner and considering the fact that he's already had a child ... with someone else. I know that is difficult, and I'm not sure how I would react, especially when she's so young and wants to do all of that with her husband for the first time. I found myself, though, feeling jealous. Jealous that if she marries him, she will immediately have a child in her life. She will get to be in some kind of a mother role without even trying. This little girl will help my in-laws to feel like (and I suppose eventually be) grandparents to her.
I am sure being a step-parent when you're not prepared to be doesn't sound ideal, and I feel for her. If I weren't in my situation, I would completely understand. But here I am wanting a child more than anything, and it is kind of difficult for me to think about.
I'm kind of jealous. And I feel ridiculous for it.
My husband and I went home to my in-laws' for a long weekend a few days ago. I was really looking forward to it because we hadn't seen them in a few months, and I was eager to have a few days away from the daily routines that dominate my life lately. I have really wonderful in-laws whom I love very much and actually enjoy spending time with.
But when it comes to my in-laws, our infertility is kind of a strange topic. My husband is much more private about our issues than I am, so my family knows all about it, and he has kept his largely in the dark. It wasn't until late this summer that they even knew about his fertility issues, and they didn't find out about mine until the night before I was going in for surgery back in April -- you know, just in case something happened. I don't completely agree with this approach because I don't want our infertility to feel like a secret, like something we need to hide and be ashamed of. I don't know that that's how my husband really feels (he says it's not) -- he is a private person, after all -- but I can't help but wonder.
At this point in time, partially thanks to my inability to keep all of this under wraps, his parents pretty much know exactly what's going on. They know that we've been told IVF is our only option. They know we will consider adoption if our IVF attempt doesn't work. They know we both have issues that aren't easily solved. They know about my emotional struggles with all of it, and they know about my husband's very rational approach to everything.
As time has gone on, it has become a topic that is more and more comfortable for my in-laws, I think. At first, they never ever brought it up -- which kind of made me frustrated and angry at times. Or if I brought it up, the only response I ever got was something positive -- a la "It will all work out! Keep your chin up!" This kind of response made me want to scream. Now, though, I am able to talk more freely about it, they ask questions, they seem more engaged and interested, and they also seem to have a bit more compassion. And I am so thankful that they've come around a bit.
As far as we know, my husband's siblings, a young sister and a younger brother, are mostly in the dark. Or maybe that's me being naive. I suppose it would be reasonable (and would definitely happen in my family) to assume that my husband's parents have filled his siblings in. If they do know, though, they don't let on. For some reason it doesn't bother me one bit to think that his siblings don't know anything about our struggles. For some reason I'd almost rather it remain that way.
Confession: I'm a fairly competitive person. To be competitive when it comes to fertility seems ridiculous, but I think what I feel is this dread of all of those around me, those I love, realizing this dream of having children before I do. Even though I started on the path first, even though I've put in the time, energy, emotional wackiness, money, physically draining procedures and medications and exams, etc. -- I'm afraid that everyone around me will get to the finish line first. And I have already experienced this awful phenomenon several times with close friends. But it would be so much more difficult if my sister-in-law were to have a baby first, or if my brother-in-law were to. It would mean that they could give make my in-laws' dreams of being grandparents come true. It would mean that all kinds of excitement and pride and love would revolve around them. It would mean that I would have to watch from the shadowy corners in pain, knowing that I can't have what they can.
Granted -- none of this is happening. Hopefully none of this happens any time soon. Neither of them are even married (both are in serious relationships). But every time I go home to my in-laws', I can't help but think about it.
And so this brings us to something I'm embarrassed to admit. My sister-in-law has fairly recently entered into a serious relationship with a guy she met at work. Recently we all found out that he has a daughter who doesn't live with him. My SIL had never met her until this weekend -- when we all did. This whole situation is a source of anxiety and jealousy for my sister-in-law. She's looking at this guy as a potential life partner and considering the fact that he's already had a child ... with someone else. I know that is difficult, and I'm not sure how I would react, especially when she's so young and wants to do all of that with her husband for the first time. I found myself, though, feeling jealous. Jealous that if she marries him, she will immediately have a child in her life. She will get to be in some kind of a mother role without even trying. This little girl will help my in-laws to feel like (and I suppose eventually be) grandparents to her.
I am sure being a step-parent when you're not prepared to be doesn't sound ideal, and I feel for her. If I weren't in my situation, I would completely understand. But here I am wanting a child more than anything, and it is kind of difficult for me to think about.
I'm kind of jealous. And I feel ridiculous for it.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
i'm freaking out.
A few posts ago I wrote about my futile attempts to get my RE's office to return my calls so that I could schedule my mapping (or mock embryo transfer) that was supposed to happen last week.
I called for the first time back on September 30th and have called 2-3 times a week since then. Never have I received a return phone call to ease my mind or schedule the appointment.
Nothing.
I've spoken to the receptionist every single time I've called. And I know it's not her fault. She's the one who takes the messages and leaves them for my nurse. She's the one who talks me through my frustrations on a weekly basis. She's the one who apologizes profusely for my worry and stress and the fact that I'm not receiving the care that I should. But it's not her fault that I haven't been called.
I was absolutely sure that I'd get a call today. My RE and his fertility nurse were out of state at a conference all last week (when I probably should have been mapped) and then I found out that their two other nurses are no longer there -- so they're short-staffed. I understand all of that. I get that things are busy. But I thought they'd finally get to my messages today.
At 4:36, I still hadn't heard anything, so I called. I was fairly sure their answering service would pick up by then, but I thought I might as well try. No answer.
The thing is that my mapping was supposed to be done last week -- during the third week of my third pack of birth control pills. The timing is important. And now my fear is that my IVF cycle will be pushed back. Or maybe even worse that they'll go ahead half-assed just trying to get me "done."
The way all of this is being handled is really concerning me, and I have to say that I am not feeling more and more confident in what's to come as time goes by. All of this has me wondering if I'm making the right choices -- about my doctor, about IVF, about everything.
I want a baby more than anything, and at this moment, I'm feeling like my desire and need are being taken advantage of. I want a baby so badly that I will pay what I cannot afford, and I will put myself through hell -- for a shot at one. And what do they stand to lose? A dip in their success rates?
Tonight I lost it. I talked to my husband for about an hour after I called this afternoon to no answer. We discussed our options. I shared my feelings about it all. I got teary. He suggested we drive the hour and a half to the RE's office and wait in the waiting room until someone will see us, that is if we don't get a call in the next day. I resolved to call again first thing in the morning and be very, very clear about my frustrations and my doubts. But I know it's not the receptionist's fault. And I know she already knows what I'm feeling.
My mom called as my husband and I were wrapping up our conversation. I answered, and she sensed irritation in my voice. I had already told her about my frustrations two weeks ago, but she was surprised to hear it hadn't been resolved. And then I lost control. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed to silence on the other end. All she could say was how sorry she was. I couldn't stop crying. It was ugly and pathetic, but all of my nerves and anger and concern and frustration had to go somewhere. And they did.
I remember the last thing my nurse said to me as I left my most recent appointment back in August was, "Remember just try to remain calm and stay positive!" How can I be calm when no one is caring for me? How can I remain positive about all of this if IVF hasn't even started and I'm already more than exhausted? How can I stay trusting if my RE's office won't even communicate with me?
I need to feel like I'm a priority for this to work, and it's wearing on me. Should it be this hard?
I called for the first time back on September 30th and have called 2-3 times a week since then. Never have I received a return phone call to ease my mind or schedule the appointment.
Nothing.
I've spoken to the receptionist every single time I've called. And I know it's not her fault. She's the one who takes the messages and leaves them for my nurse. She's the one who talks me through my frustrations on a weekly basis. She's the one who apologizes profusely for my worry and stress and the fact that I'm not receiving the care that I should. But it's not her fault that I haven't been called.
I was absolutely sure that I'd get a call today. My RE and his fertility nurse were out of state at a conference all last week (when I probably should have been mapped) and then I found out that their two other nurses are no longer there -- so they're short-staffed. I understand all of that. I get that things are busy. But I thought they'd finally get to my messages today.
At 4:36, I still hadn't heard anything, so I called. I was fairly sure their answering service would pick up by then, but I thought I might as well try. No answer.
The thing is that my mapping was supposed to be done last week -- during the third week of my third pack of birth control pills. The timing is important. And now my fear is that my IVF cycle will be pushed back. Or maybe even worse that they'll go ahead half-assed just trying to get me "done."
The way all of this is being handled is really concerning me, and I have to say that I am not feeling more and more confident in what's to come as time goes by. All of this has me wondering if I'm making the right choices -- about my doctor, about IVF, about everything.
I want a baby more than anything, and at this moment, I'm feeling like my desire and need are being taken advantage of. I want a baby so badly that I will pay what I cannot afford, and I will put myself through hell -- for a shot at one. And what do they stand to lose? A dip in their success rates?
Tonight I lost it. I talked to my husband for about an hour after I called this afternoon to no answer. We discussed our options. I shared my feelings about it all. I got teary. He suggested we drive the hour and a half to the RE's office and wait in the waiting room until someone will see us, that is if we don't get a call in the next day. I resolved to call again first thing in the morning and be very, very clear about my frustrations and my doubts. But I know it's not the receptionist's fault. And I know she already knows what I'm feeling.
My mom called as my husband and I were wrapping up our conversation. I answered, and she sensed irritation in my voice. I had already told her about my frustrations two weeks ago, but she was surprised to hear it hadn't been resolved. And then I lost control. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed to silence on the other end. All she could say was how sorry she was. I couldn't stop crying. It was ugly and pathetic, but all of my nerves and anger and concern and frustration had to go somewhere. And they did.
I remember the last thing my nurse said to me as I left my most recent appointment back in August was, "Remember just try to remain calm and stay positive!" How can I be calm when no one is caring for me? How can I remain positive about all of this if IVF hasn't even started and I'm already more than exhausted? How can I stay trusting if my RE's office won't even communicate with me?
I need to feel like I'm a priority for this to work, and it's wearing on me. Should it be this hard?
Friday, October 18, 2013
conflicting information.
I am a researching freak. I read just about everything ... Books, articles online, message boards, etc. Especially when it comes to infertility, I want to be as knowledgable as possible.
I'm also susceptible to trying anything and everything to make sure this upcoming IVF cycle works. Obviously there are no guarantees, but I'm one who will fall into the trap of any recommendation or suggestion that something specific will help my chances. You say eating a pomegranate a day will have me ovulating in no time? I'll do it.
Part of this approach is that I'm afraid if IVF doesn't work that I will find a way to blame myself. If I didn't exercise properly in preparation for IVF and it fails, it will be my fault. If I drank too many glasses of wine during this waiting period and IVF fails, it will be my fault. If I didn't do acupuncture in the 12 weeks leading up to IVF and it fails, it will be my fault.
Totally irrational, but I know myself. And that's exactly what I'll do.
So like I've said before, I'm exercising and eating "right" and getting the acupuncture. I'm not drinking alcohol. I don't use tobacco or any other drugs. I've gained a couple of pounds of cushion because a former doctor told me that fat helps with estrogen production.
Maybe it's all ridiculous, maybe it's all for nothing. But I don't know either way.
So in my quest for all of the information so that I can make informed decisions about my health and well-being during this wait period, I have stumbled across a TON of info. Maybe even all of the information ... as I intended to find.
The problem is that so much of it is conflicting. One study suggests women consume full-fat dairy products. Another says women should stay away from dairy products. One article says higher IVF pregnancy rates were found in women who took a gluten-free approach. Other nutritional suggestions say to eat lots of whole grains. One site will tell you to exercise daily, another will tell you to take it easy. What the hell?!
My acupuncturist has made diet suggestions based on my specific issues. She says that because I suffer from blood stagnation (Chinese medicine's diagnosis of an imbalance that causes endometriosis), I should eat warm foods. They should all be cooked -- no raw vegetables. I should drink warm drinks. I should avoid wheat, dairy, and sugar. I should eat a lot of leafy greens, high-protein foods, and fruits. Makes sense...
I will gladly do all of that. But is it true? What about the studies that claim the opposite? What if one way is detrimental, but I don't know which way that is? What if I take the wrong approach?
By now you've all come to the conclusion that I'm a crazy person. And I am. But what do I do? I'm the biggest worrier on the planet, and I have the best intentions. This is my one shot, and I don't want to blow it.
Do I eat what I want within reason? Do I allow myself the ice cream? Do I keep eating pastas and whole grain breads? Do I ditch the dairy?
(Don't even get me started on all of the meth-heads and processed-food junkies out there who are popping out babies like crazy.)
Ugh.
I'm also susceptible to trying anything and everything to make sure this upcoming IVF cycle works. Obviously there are no guarantees, but I'm one who will fall into the trap of any recommendation or suggestion that something specific will help my chances. You say eating a pomegranate a day will have me ovulating in no time? I'll do it.
Part of this approach is that I'm afraid if IVF doesn't work that I will find a way to blame myself. If I didn't exercise properly in preparation for IVF and it fails, it will be my fault. If I drank too many glasses of wine during this waiting period and IVF fails, it will be my fault. If I didn't do acupuncture in the 12 weeks leading up to IVF and it fails, it will be my fault.
Totally irrational, but I know myself. And that's exactly what I'll do.
So like I've said before, I'm exercising and eating "right" and getting the acupuncture. I'm not drinking alcohol. I don't use tobacco or any other drugs. I've gained a couple of pounds of cushion because a former doctor told me that fat helps with estrogen production.
Maybe it's all ridiculous, maybe it's all for nothing. But I don't know either way.
So in my quest for all of the information so that I can make informed decisions about my health and well-being during this wait period, I have stumbled across a TON of info. Maybe even all of the information ... as I intended to find.
The problem is that so much of it is conflicting. One study suggests women consume full-fat dairy products. Another says women should stay away from dairy products. One article says higher IVF pregnancy rates were found in women who took a gluten-free approach. Other nutritional suggestions say to eat lots of whole grains. One site will tell you to exercise daily, another will tell you to take it easy. What the hell?!
My acupuncturist has made diet suggestions based on my specific issues. She says that because I suffer from blood stagnation (Chinese medicine's diagnosis of an imbalance that causes endometriosis), I should eat warm foods. They should all be cooked -- no raw vegetables. I should drink warm drinks. I should avoid wheat, dairy, and sugar. I should eat a lot of leafy greens, high-protein foods, and fruits. Makes sense...
I will gladly do all of that. But is it true? What about the studies that claim the opposite? What if one way is detrimental, but I don't know which way that is? What if I take the wrong approach?
By now you've all come to the conclusion that I'm a crazy person. And I am. But what do I do? I'm the biggest worrier on the planet, and I have the best intentions. This is my one shot, and I don't want to blow it.
Do I eat what I want within reason? Do I allow myself the ice cream? Do I keep eating pastas and whole grain breads? Do I ditch the dairy?
(Don't even get me started on all of the meth-heads and processed-food junkies out there who are popping out babies like crazy.)
Ugh.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
worries.
I was on three months of Lupron shots over the summer to shut down my reproductive system and clear out any remaining endometriosis that wasn't caught during my April '13 laparoscopy. My case of endometriosis was classified as advanced -- Stage III, so my uterus and bladder were affected, and my doctor wanted to be sure that everything was taken care of.
I think I've written before about my laparoscopy and my particular experience with endometriosis. I never really experienced much pain with it -- or not pain that I acknowledged -- and I was very fortunate in terms of symptoms. My laparoscopy revealed that I was riddled with endometriosis, and my doctor was especially shocked by how much he removed from my bladder. Apparently he has rarely, if ever, seen such a thing in a 26-year-old.
Prior to my surgery, I had had pain that I didn't recognize as pain. I'm not really sure why. My pain was related to my bladder, and I often felt it after emptying my very full bladder -- kind of a stretched-out discomfort -- and when holding my urine mid-stream (like when you have to pee in a cup at the doctors office). I really didn't think anything of it and only recognize that it was pain in hindsight. In fact, during my medical history interview with my RE, I answered that I never experienced pain, and I was being honest.
Once my surgery was complete and I was on the Lupron injections, my bladder pain was completely gone. And that's when I realized that I had indeed been uncomfortable. At my August 7th appointment where I was completely checked out by my RE and where I confirmed I was no longer feeling any bladder pain, I was telling the truth.
I'm worried now, though, because I'm experiencing some of that same discomfort again. And I don't know why, and I don't know how that's possible.
It's not all the time. In fact, it's not even every time I have a full bladder. And it's not as uncomfortable as it was. I can't predict when it's going to hurt and when it's not. I'm not even sure if I should call it pain. But it doesn't feel like it did when I was on the Lupron, and I'm afraid it's either going to affect our ability to move forward with IVF or the outcome of IVF.
I will of course bring this up at my mapping appointment next week, but each time I experience that discomfort, I can't help but wonder if somehow my endometriosis is back. But how could it be? I've been on Lupron injections and then gone straight into birth control -- both of which remove and then prevent endometriosis. Maybe it's all in my head? Maybe I'm just worried in general?
Has anyone else out there had bladder pain related to endometriosis? I've done my fair share of googling, but really I need to stay away from all that. I don't need to start wondering if I have cancer (and believe me, I will wonder that!).
I think I've written before about my laparoscopy and my particular experience with endometriosis. I never really experienced much pain with it -- or not pain that I acknowledged -- and I was very fortunate in terms of symptoms. My laparoscopy revealed that I was riddled with endometriosis, and my doctor was especially shocked by how much he removed from my bladder. Apparently he has rarely, if ever, seen such a thing in a 26-year-old.
Prior to my surgery, I had had pain that I didn't recognize as pain. I'm not really sure why. My pain was related to my bladder, and I often felt it after emptying my very full bladder -- kind of a stretched-out discomfort -- and when holding my urine mid-stream (like when you have to pee in a cup at the doctors office). I really didn't think anything of it and only recognize that it was pain in hindsight. In fact, during my medical history interview with my RE, I answered that I never experienced pain, and I was being honest.
Once my surgery was complete and I was on the Lupron injections, my bladder pain was completely gone. And that's when I realized that I had indeed been uncomfortable. At my August 7th appointment where I was completely checked out by my RE and where I confirmed I was no longer feeling any bladder pain, I was telling the truth.
I'm worried now, though, because I'm experiencing some of that same discomfort again. And I don't know why, and I don't know how that's possible.
It's not all the time. In fact, it's not even every time I have a full bladder. And it's not as uncomfortable as it was. I can't predict when it's going to hurt and when it's not. I'm not even sure if I should call it pain. But it doesn't feel like it did when I was on the Lupron, and I'm afraid it's either going to affect our ability to move forward with IVF or the outcome of IVF.
I will of course bring this up at my mapping appointment next week, but each time I experience that discomfort, I can't help but wonder if somehow my endometriosis is back. But how could it be? I've been on Lupron injections and then gone straight into birth control -- both of which remove and then prevent endometriosis. Maybe it's all in my head? Maybe I'm just worried in general?
Has anyone else out there had bladder pain related to endometriosis? I've done my fair share of googling, but really I need to stay away from all that. I don't need to start wondering if I have cancer (and believe me, I will wonder that!).
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
liebster. whaaa?!
My new friend Anne over at The Second Bedroom is on her own infertility journey. We follow one another's blogs, and we are both rooting for each other as we make our way down this windy, bumpy path.
She surprised me a couple (okay, maybe a few?!) weeks ago by nominating me for a Liebster Award. Honestly, I had no idea what it was, so I checked it out. A Liebster Award is a blogging award given by other bloggers to those who have fewer than 200 followers but who write promising blogs. Naturally, I was excited and honored that Anne felt I fit the criteria.
Then I was the worst blogger for about 20 days. I guess I've been busy and haven't had a lot of soul-bearing to send out into the world. But here I am with a break in my day -- hopefully enough time to do a semi-Liebster post -- and I'm ready to put it out there.
For this post, I think I will give the 11 facts about me and answer Anne's questions. I may write a separate post nominating blogs and listing out my questions a bit later.
2. Do you have any habits/mannerisms other people consider odd but you couldn't do without?
3. What is your favorite thing to cook? Or, for non-cooks, to order in?
4. It's your day off. No commitments yet. Shockingly, ALL your laundry is clean. What do you wear?
5. You can have one word or phrase stricken from the minds of humanity--they just forget it existed and you NEVER have to hear it again. What is it?
6. You're a billionaire, hooray! What charity do you make your pet cause?
7. Do you wear socks to bed?
8. I've got a gift card for you! You can't spend it on bills. Only frivolous things. Where do you go?
9. What one thing that you do on a regular basis do you wish you never had to do again?
10. If you were an expert in one area, and people came from miles away just to ask your thoughts, what area would that be?
She surprised me a couple (okay, maybe a few?!) weeks ago by nominating me for a Liebster Award. Honestly, I had no idea what it was, so I checked it out. A Liebster Award is a blogging award given by other bloggers to those who have fewer than 200 followers but who write promising blogs. Naturally, I was excited and honored that Anne felt I fit the criteria.
Then I was the worst blogger for about 20 days. I guess I've been busy and haven't had a lot of soul-bearing to send out into the world. But here I am with a break in my day -- hopefully enough time to do a semi-Liebster post -- and I'm ready to put it out there.
For this post, I think I will give the 11 facts about me and answer Anne's questions. I may write a separate post nominating blogs and listing out my questions a bit later.
11 Facts About Me:
1.) I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. It might be my least favorite quality in myself, and I wish I could change it more easily -- especially with all of this infertility stuff. Help!
2.) I am from California. I haven't lived there for 18 years, but I still often claim it as home because it is the one place I lived as a child where I felt life was mostly stable and good. I still feel home when I go back, and there is no other place I'd rather be than standing beside the Pacific Ocean at Avila Beach.
3.) My dad died of ALS when I was 16 years old. He had been terminally ill since I was 12 and my little sister was 8. I have a lot of very difficult memories and a lot of guilt about how my teenage self dealt with grief. But I'm able to forgive myself when I realize that if my dad could do it over again, he would do some things differently too. (He was a wonderful man and father.)
4.) I get some sort of weird enjoyment from denying myself certain things. If I get new clothes as a gift or even buy them myself, I resist trying them on at the store and/or when I get home. I bought myself a new MacBook Air when I started my PhD program this fall and didn't take it out of its box for a week, not until my husband made me. If I haven't managed my time well or have procrastinated accomplishing something, I won't allow myself something I want. I'm not sure what any of this means.
5.) I have the best girlfriends in the entire world. I don't have tons of them, but I have 6 or 7 friends who are my people. That's the only way I can describe it. Most of them I've known since middle school or high school or college, and I have trouble finding others who are like them. We are weird together and have the very best time. They are made just for me, and I am made for them. Plain and simple. It's a strange, wonderful feeling to belong in that way.
6.) Ever since I was a tiny child, like four years old, I've experienced this intensely irrational empathy for fictional, often illustrated characters that is really hard for me to explain and is mostly hilarious and strange to other people. For instance, you know Snuggles from the fabric softener commercials? That adorably sweet little bear? Well, I always had this irrational fear that something awful would happen to Snuggles because he was so kind and innocent. Literally, I was four years old and hated those commercials because I wanted to cry for Snuggles. The same thing with the Peanuts characters. And now my sister has introduced me to this character Catbug, and I can hardly stand it. I want to rescue them! I know this makes no sense to anyone else...
7.) Another of my least appealing qualities is that I'm a fairly envious person. I feel jealous when people have things I want but don't have -- they could be very superficial, materialistic things or more important things -- like babies. I am envious of ease of process and lack of struggle. I suppose this is fairly normal, but I think my envy might be a little more intense than others', and I don't like it. My husband urges me to be happy and satisfied with my own life, which I would love to do (and am in many ways), but I can't help but look at what other people have and wonder why I don't have the same. Sometimes it makes me into a bitter bitch. :)
And let me put it out there that every time I feel that way, I need to be reminded that really, I have an incredible life and am so very lucky. So many worse things could be a part of my every day, but they're not.
8.) If I want something, I will work really, really hard to get it. I mean, I'll go to great lengths to make it happen. Whether it has been academically or relationship/friendship-wise or infertility... If there's something I want, or something I want changed, I'm going to try my best to make sure it happens. Maybe that's what makes me so envious -- that sometimes even though I've worked really, really hard and tried my best, I still am not a recipient.
9.) I am a performance-oriented, over-achieving kind of gal. I want to be the best or among the best, and sometimes I put a lot of pressure on myself because of it. I wish I could be more into the experience or what I might learn, but often my focus goes to the achievement side of things. I've gotten better as I've gotten older and made my way a little bit through life, but it's still my tendency. I'm still working on it.
10.) I love clean, sparkly sinks. (And a clean house, in general). It's a clean sink that can really get me, though. I feel like if my sink sparkles, my entire kitchen does. If I don't have time to shine anything else up, I go straight for the sink, both kitchen and bath.
11.) I literally (and I do know the meaning of the word literally and am using it correctly here) have the single best husband in the entire world. Yes, I get frustrated with him. Yes, he gets frustrated with me. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye. Sometimes we don't completely understand one another. But no one in this world could live with me each day and know me so well and still love me the way he does. When I hear other people talk about their marriages and relationships or failed marriages and failed relationships -- when I hear my divorced and married friends talk about their ex-husbands and husbands -- I truly feel a major sense of guilt. I can't chime in and join those conversations. I can't complain about the same things they complain about. I've never been treated badly. I've never been disrespected. I've never been taken for granted. My husband is the kind of guy who makes decisions about his own life based on what's best for his family (me, as of right now). He's the kind of guy who rubs my feet while we're watching TV -- just because. He's the kind of guy that will leave notes of beautiful prose he's written for me on my dresser. He cooks me dinner every night. He tells me he's proud of me every day. He never makes me wonder if he thinks I'm beautiful. He praises my work ethic, my intellect, and my compassion daily. He makes me feel like I'm really doing okay in life. And never, ever does he ask for anything. I know that I don't necessarily deserve him, but I'm never giving him back. (And fuck you, universe, for keeping fatherhood from him -- because he'd literally be the best at that, too.)
_______
Now, on to Anne's questions. (She asked 10 questions instead of 11 because she despises odd numbers -- and I can respect that.)
1. What do you turn to for comfort?
Without fail, I turn to my husband, my mother, and my sister (and often my closest girlfriends, too). Usually all three. They let me complain and cry and wail and scream and cuss and be furious. And when I just need someone to listen and let me let go, they are there. I know I'm reading this question with a little bit of the infertility perspective, but lately that's what comfort means to me.
2. Do you have any habits/mannerisms other people consider odd but you couldn't do without?
I'm trying to think. I probably have lots of them, but I don't know what they are because people don't tell me when I'm weird. Okay, I've got one. When I'm bored/nervous/anxious/etc., I pick at my cuticles and peel off the dead cuticle skin. I don't peel my skin back or get all bloody or gross or anything; it's really just what happens when you get a manicure. But it's probably kind of gross to watch. I can't live without it because it kind of soothes those uncomfortable feelings for me and helps me to pass time.
3. What is your favorite thing to cook? Or, for non-cooks, to order in?
I'm not much of a cook, but my husband is. He's very inventive and adventurous with his cooking, and he makes so many delicious meals. One of my favorites that we need to do again (and I did help with this one) is Phad Thai from scratch. It was so, so good.
4. It's your day off. No commitments yet. Shockingly, ALL your laundry is clean. What do you wear?
I would probably put on something comfortable but not sloppy. Dark skinny jeans, a loose, flowy tank, a long necklace, and gold sandals. I also love dresses more than any other article of clothing, so if it's summer, I will often choose a sundress and sandals.
5. You can have one word or phrase stricken from the minds of humanity--they just forget it existed and you NEVER have to hear it again. What is it?
I'm not really someone who despises certain words. I feel like they're all necessary for some reason, and even if they aren't aesthetically pleasing, they serve a purpose. I really can't think of one that I'd just like to get rid of. If the reason for the word disappeared along with the word, then I would choose mosquitoes. Because those bitches ruin my summer every year.
6. You're a billionaire, hooray! What charity do you make your pet cause?
I would put a lot of money into ALS-TDI (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Therapy Development Institute) and other organizations that support research for ALS (commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease). I used to be a lot more active in raising money than I have been lately, and whether or not I become a billionaire, I'd like to pick that back up. My dad died of ALS when I was in high school, and I am devastated over and over again each time I learn of a new family who is forced to make the disease an intimate part of its life.
7. Do you wear socks to bed?
In the winter, yes. In fact, I freeze all winter long and often times just can't warm up. I'm a huge fan of wearing all kinds of layers when I go to bed in the winter. In the summer, no socks.
8. I've got a gift card for you! You can't spend it on bills. Only frivolous things. Where do you go?
For an all-around fun place that would allow me to spend the money on a variety of items, I would choose Target. They always have cute stuff, and I could find clothes, accessories, home goods, outdoor stuff, etc. If I'm just considering my wardrobe, my go-to is always Gap. Can't help it.
9. What one thing that you do on a regular basis do you wish you never had to do again?
I would love to never wash my hair again. If I really sit around and think about it, there are way bigger tasks than washing my hair that I should probably eliminate first. Okay -- if I could never clean my house again and it would still always be clean, I would choose that. A clean house feels amazing, but I don't always have the time, energy, or motivation to get it done as frequently as I would like.
10. If you were an expert in one area, and people came from miles away just to ask your thoughts, what area would that be?
At this point probably infertility! I don't feel like an expert on anything, and I don't even feel like I know a little about a lot of things, so I'm not confident that I can really answer that question. I do know that I've learned a lot about infertility because I've read so much about it and investigated so much on my own. I also feel like I am very familiar with the grieving process and dealing with difficulty and loss. Expert? No. Definitely not an expert on anything.
fucking call me back.
I'm going to warn you... I'm a little angry.
And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger. Which is worse, I think. But still. I'm pissed off.
You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December. My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis. At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it. All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.
I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!). At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great. Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s. This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.
During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor. I will say that my doctor is not the most personable. He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person. He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience... Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on. His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women! They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good. They express their understanding of how difficult this must be. They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay. They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that. In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August. I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy. And really, I kind of miss them.
What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks. You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles. My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills. So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget). Right on schedule, I called. I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message. She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly. This was a Monday. She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.
One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything. So I called again. I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills. Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week. So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do. I never got a call back.
The following week, 8 days later, I called again. I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything. She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.
I was beginning to panic. Everything with IVF is on a schedule. When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible. Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring. We didn't want to wait. Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process. If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to? Was this going to push everything back?
Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse. I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration. I was kind, but I was irritated. I still didn't get to talk to the nurse. Once again I was told my call would be returned.
It wasn't. So I called for a fifth time yesterday. And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized. She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.
I have to say this gave me a sense of relief. But I'm still pissed. Why did I have call so many times? Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer? Why am I not a priority? Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???
I just want all of this to work out. I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process. I want it to work. I want to be happy. And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety. How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?
I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office. It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there. We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week. We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.
Fucking call me back.
And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger. Which is worse, I think. But still. I'm pissed off.
You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December. My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis. At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it. All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.
I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!). At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great. Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s. This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.
During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor. I will say that my doctor is not the most personable. He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person. He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience... Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on. His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women! They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good. They express their understanding of how difficult this must be. They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay. They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that. In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August. I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy. And really, I kind of miss them.
What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks. You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles. My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills. So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget). Right on schedule, I called. I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message. She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly. This was a Monday. She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.
One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything. So I called again. I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills. Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week. So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do. I never got a call back.
The following week, 8 days later, I called again. I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything. She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.
I was beginning to panic. Everything with IVF is on a schedule. When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible. Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring. We didn't want to wait. Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process. If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to? Was this going to push everything back?
Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse. I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration. I was kind, but I was irritated. I still didn't get to talk to the nurse. Once again I was told my call would be returned.
It wasn't. So I called for a fifth time yesterday. And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized. She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.
I have to say this gave me a sense of relief. But I'm still pissed. Why did I have call so many times? Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer? Why am I not a priority? Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???
I just want all of this to work out. I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process. I want it to work. I want to be happy. And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety. How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?
I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office. It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there. We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week. We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.
Fucking call me back.
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