She surprised me a couple (okay, maybe a few?!) weeks ago by nominating me for a Liebster Award. Honestly, I had no idea what it was, so I checked it out. A Liebster Award is a blogging award given by other bloggers to those who have fewer than 200 followers but who write promising blogs. Naturally, I was excited and honored that Anne felt I fit the criteria.
Then I was the worst blogger for about 20 days. I guess I've been busy and haven't had a lot of soul-bearing to send out into the world. But here I am with a break in my day -- hopefully enough time to do a semi-Liebster post -- and I'm ready to put it out there.
For this post, I think I will give the 11 facts about me and answer Anne's questions. I may write a separate post nominating blogs and listing out my questions a bit later.
11 Facts About Me:
1.) I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. It might be my least favorite quality in myself, and I wish I could change it more easily -- especially with all of this infertility stuff. Help!
2.) I am from California. I haven't lived there for 18 years, but I still often claim it as home because it is the one place I lived as a child where I felt life was mostly stable and good. I still feel home when I go back, and there is no other place I'd rather be than standing beside the Pacific Ocean at Avila Beach.
3.) My dad died of ALS when I was 16 years old. He had been terminally ill since I was 12 and my little sister was 8. I have a lot of very difficult memories and a lot of guilt about how my teenage self dealt with grief. But I'm able to forgive myself when I realize that if my dad could do it over again, he would do some things differently too. (He was a wonderful man and father.)
4.) I get some sort of weird enjoyment from denying myself certain things. If I get new clothes as a gift or even buy them myself, I resist trying them on at the store and/or when I get home. I bought myself a new MacBook Air when I started my PhD program this fall and didn't take it out of its box for a week, not until my husband made me. If I haven't managed my time well or have procrastinated accomplishing something, I won't allow myself something I want. I'm not sure what any of this means.
5.) I have the best girlfriends in the entire world. I don't have tons of them, but I have 6 or 7 friends who are my people. That's the only way I can describe it. Most of them I've known since middle school or high school or college, and I have trouble finding others who are like them. We are weird together and have the very best time. They are made just for me, and I am made for them. Plain and simple. It's a strange, wonderful feeling to belong in that way.
6.) Ever since I was a tiny child, like four years old, I've experienced this intensely irrational empathy for fictional, often illustrated characters that is really hard for me to explain and is mostly hilarious and strange to other people. For instance, you know Snuggles from the fabric softener commercials? That adorably sweet little bear? Well, I always had this irrational fear that something awful would happen to Snuggles because he was so kind and innocent. Literally, I was four years old and hated those commercials because I wanted to cry for Snuggles. The same thing with the Peanuts characters. And now my sister has introduced me to this character Catbug, and I can hardly stand it. I want to rescue them! I know this makes no sense to anyone else...
7.) Another of my least appealing qualities is that I'm a fairly envious person. I feel jealous when people have things I want but don't have -- they could be very superficial, materialistic things or more important things -- like babies. I am envious of ease of process and lack of struggle. I suppose this is fairly normal, but I think my envy might be a little more intense than others', and I don't like it. My husband urges me to be happy and satisfied with my own life, which I would love to do (and am in many ways), but I can't help but look at what other people have and wonder why I don't have the same. Sometimes it makes me into a bitter bitch. :)
And let me put it out there that every time I feel that way, I need to be reminded that really, I have an incredible life and am so very lucky. So many worse things could be a part of my every day, but they're not.
8.) If I want something, I will work really, really hard to get it. I mean, I'll go to great lengths to make it happen. Whether it has been academically or relationship/friendship-wise or infertility... If there's something I want, or something I want changed, I'm going to try my best to make sure it happens. Maybe that's what makes me so envious -- that sometimes even though I've worked really, really hard and tried my best, I still am not a recipient.
9.) I am a performance-oriented, over-achieving kind of gal. I want to be the best or among the best, and sometimes I put a lot of pressure on myself because of it. I wish I could be more into the experience or what I might learn, but often my focus goes to the achievement side of things. I've gotten better as I've gotten older and made my way a little bit through life, but it's still my tendency. I'm still working on it.
10.) I love clean, sparkly sinks. (And a clean house, in general). It's a clean sink that can really get me, though. I feel like if my sink sparkles, my entire kitchen does. If I don't have time to shine anything else up, I go straight for the sink, both kitchen and bath.
11.) I literally (and I do know the meaning of the word literally and am using it correctly here) have the single best husband in the entire world. Yes, I get frustrated with him. Yes, he gets frustrated with me. Sometimes we don't see eye to eye. Sometimes we don't completely understand one another. But no one in this world could live with me each day and know me so well and still love me the way he does. When I hear other people talk about their marriages and relationships or failed marriages and failed relationships -- when I hear my divorced and married friends talk about their ex-husbands and husbands -- I truly feel a major sense of guilt. I can't chime in and join those conversations. I can't complain about the same things they complain about. I've never been treated badly. I've never been disrespected. I've never been taken for granted. My husband is the kind of guy who makes decisions about his own life based on what's best for his family (me, as of right now). He's the kind of guy who rubs my feet while we're watching TV -- just because. He's the kind of guy that will leave notes of beautiful prose he's written for me on my dresser. He cooks me dinner every night. He tells me he's proud of me every day. He never makes me wonder if he thinks I'm beautiful. He praises my work ethic, my intellect, and my compassion daily. He makes me feel like I'm really doing okay in life. And never, ever does he ask for anything. I know that I don't necessarily deserve him, but I'm never giving him back. (And fuck you, universe, for keeping fatherhood from him -- because he'd literally be the best at that, too.)
_______
Now, on to Anne's questions. (She asked 10 questions instead of 11 because she despises odd numbers -- and I can respect that.)
1. What do you turn to for comfort?
Without fail, I turn to my husband, my mother, and my sister (and often my closest girlfriends, too). Usually all three. They let me complain and cry and wail and scream and cuss and be furious. And when I just need someone to listen and let me let go, they are there. I know I'm reading this question with a little bit of the infertility perspective, but lately that's what comfort means to me.
2. Do you have any habits/mannerisms other people consider odd but you couldn't do without?
I'm trying to think. I probably have lots of them, but I don't know what they are because people don't tell me when I'm weird. Okay, I've got one. When I'm bored/nervous/anxious/etc., I pick at my cuticles and peel off the dead cuticle skin. I don't peel my skin back or get all bloody or gross or anything; it's really just what happens when you get a manicure. But it's probably kind of gross to watch. I can't live without it because it kind of soothes those uncomfortable feelings for me and helps me to pass time.
3. What is your favorite thing to cook? Or, for non-cooks, to order in?
I'm not much of a cook, but my husband is. He's very inventive and adventurous with his cooking, and he makes so many delicious meals. One of my favorites that we need to do again (and I did help with this one) is Phad Thai from scratch. It was so, so good.
4. It's your day off. No commitments yet. Shockingly, ALL your laundry is clean. What do you wear?
I would probably put on something comfortable but not sloppy. Dark skinny jeans, a loose, flowy tank, a long necklace, and gold sandals. I also love dresses more than any other article of clothing, so if it's summer, I will often choose a sundress and sandals.
5. You can have one word or phrase stricken from the minds of humanity--they just forget it existed and you NEVER have to hear it again. What is it?
I'm not really someone who despises certain words. I feel like they're all necessary for some reason, and even if they aren't aesthetically pleasing, they serve a purpose. I really can't think of one that I'd just like to get rid of. If the reason for the word disappeared along with the word, then I would choose mosquitoes. Because those bitches ruin my summer every year.
6. You're a billionaire, hooray! What charity do you make your pet cause?
I would put a lot of money into ALS-TDI (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Therapy Development Institute) and other organizations that support research for ALS (commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease). I used to be a lot more active in raising money than I have been lately, and whether or not I become a billionaire, I'd like to pick that back up. My dad died of ALS when I was in high school, and I am devastated over and over again each time I learn of a new family who is forced to make the disease an intimate part of its life.
7. Do you wear socks to bed?
In the winter, yes. In fact, I freeze all winter long and often times just can't warm up. I'm a huge fan of wearing all kinds of layers when I go to bed in the winter. In the summer, no socks.
8. I've got a gift card for you! You can't spend it on bills. Only frivolous things. Where do you go?
For an all-around fun place that would allow me to spend the money on a variety of items, I would choose Target. They always have cute stuff, and I could find clothes, accessories, home goods, outdoor stuff, etc. If I'm just considering my wardrobe, my go-to is always Gap. Can't help it.
9. What one thing that you do on a regular basis do you wish you never had to do again?
I would love to never wash my hair again. If I really sit around and think about it, there are way bigger tasks than washing my hair that I should probably eliminate first. Okay -- if I could never clean my house again and it would still always be clean, I would choose that. A clean house feels amazing, but I don't always have the time, energy, or motivation to get it done as frequently as I would like.
10. If you were an expert in one area, and people came from miles away just to ask your thoughts, what area would that be?
At this point probably infertility! I don't feel like an expert on anything, and I don't even feel like I know a little about a lot of things, so I'm not confident that I can really answer that question. I do know that I've learned a lot about infertility because I've read so much about it and investigated so much on my own. I also feel like I am very familiar with the grieving process and dealing with difficulty and loss. Expert? No. Definitely not an expert on anything.
I just wrote a long comment and my browser deleted it so I just want to grow things now. But basically: a lot of me too. I'm actually about to write a pessimistic entry right now… :(
ReplyDelete