fucking call me back.

I'm going to warn you... I'm a little angry.

And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger.  Which is worse, I think.  But still.  I'm pissed off.

You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December.  My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis.  At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it.  All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse.  I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.

I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!).  At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great.  Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s.  This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.

During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor.  I will say that my doctor is not the most personable.  He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy.  He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person.  He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience...  Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on.  His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women!  They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good.  They express their understanding of how difficult this must be.  They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay.  They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that.  In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August.  I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy.  And really, I kind of miss them.

What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks.  You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles.  My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills.  So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget).  Right on schedule, I called.  I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message.  She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly.  This was a Monday.  She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.

One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything.  So I called again.  I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills.  Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week.  So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do.  I never got a call back.

The following week, 8 days later, I called again.  I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything.  She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.

I was beginning to panic.  Everything with IVF is on a schedule.  When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible.  Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring.  We didn't want to wait.  Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process.  If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to?  Was this going to push everything back?

Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse.  I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration.  I was kind, but I was irritated.  I still didn't get to talk to the nurse.  Once again I was told my call would be returned.

It wasn't.  So I called for a fifth time yesterday.  And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized.  She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.

I have to say this gave me a sense of relief.  But I'm still pissed.  Why did I have call so many times?  Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer?  Why am I not a priority?  Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???

I just want all of this to work out.  I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process.  I want it to work.  I want to be happy.  And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety.  How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?

I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office.  It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there.  We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week.  We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.

Fucking call me back.