i'm freaking out.

A few posts ago I wrote about my futile attempts to get my RE's office to return my calls so that I could schedule my mapping (or mock embryo transfer) that was supposed to happen last week.

I called for the first time back on September 30th and have called 2-3 times a week since then.  Never have I received a return phone call to ease my mind or schedule the appointment.

Nothing.

I've spoken to the receptionist every single time I've called.  And I know it's not her fault.  She's the one who takes the messages and leaves them for my nurse.  She's the one who talks me through my frustrations on a weekly basis.  She's the one who apologizes profusely for my worry and stress and the fact that I'm not receiving the care that I should.  But it's not her fault that I haven't been called.

I was absolutely sure that I'd get a call today.  My RE and his fertility nurse were out of state at a conference all last week (when I probably should have been mapped) and then I found out that their two other nurses are no longer there -- so they're short-staffed.  I understand all of that.  I get that things are busy.  But I thought they'd finally get to my messages today.

At 4:36, I still hadn't heard anything, so I called.  I was fairly sure their answering service would pick up by then, but I thought I might as well try.  No answer.

The thing is that my mapping was supposed to be done last week -- during the third week of my third pack of birth control pills.  The timing is important.  And now my fear is that my IVF cycle will be pushed back.  Or maybe even worse that they'll go ahead half-assed just trying to get me "done."

The way all of this is being handled is really concerning me, and I have to say that I am not feeling more and more confident in what's to come as time goes by.  All of this has me wondering if I'm making the right choices -- about my doctor, about IVF, about everything.

I want a baby more than anything, and at this moment, I'm feeling like my desire and need are being taken advantage of.  I want a baby so badly that I will pay what I cannot afford, and I will put myself through hell -- for a shot at one.  And what do they stand to lose?  A dip in their success rates?

Tonight I lost it.  I talked to my husband for about an hour after I called this afternoon to no answer.  We discussed our options.  I shared my feelings about it all.  I got teary.  He suggested we drive the hour and a half to the RE's office and wait in the waiting room until someone will see us, that is if we don't get a call in the next day.  I resolved to call again first thing in the morning and be very, very clear about my frustrations and my doubts.  But I know it's not the receptionist's fault.  And I know she already knows what I'm feeling.

My mom called as my husband and I were wrapping up our conversation.  I answered, and she sensed irritation in my voice.  I had already told her about my frustrations two weeks ago, but she was surprised to hear it hadn't been resolved.  And then I lost control.  I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed to silence on the other end.  All she could say was how sorry she was.  I couldn't stop crying.  It was ugly and pathetic, but all of my nerves and anger and concern and frustration had to go somewhere.  And they did.

I remember the last thing my nurse said to me as I left my most recent appointment back in August was, "Remember just try to remain calm and stay positive!"  How can I be calm when no one is caring for me?  How can I remain positive about all of this if IVF hasn't even started and I'm already more than exhausted?  How can I stay trusting if my RE's office won't even communicate with me?

I need to feel like I'm a priority for this to work, and it's wearing on me.  Should it be this hard?