my appointment was made.

I called my RE's office literally the moment they opened yesterday morning, as I had planned.  I even ducked out of a meeting to stand in the hall and hit redial until it actually started ringing rather than going to their answering machine.

I spoke with the saint of a receptionist who continually tolerates me and supports me and comforts me.  And she had good news.  The RE and his fertility nurse had finally stayed late last night to play catch up from their absence and go through all of the waiting charts -- including mine.  They went through all of my info and my cycle timing and decided I could be mapped on Oct. 30th at 3:30 p.m.

I have a fucking appointment, thank god.  Finally.

I immediately felt relieved just to have an answer, to know that I can go in there and talk to someone face-to-face and get a read on how all of this will go.  I was truly, truly contemplating ditching the whole plan.  Not because my intense desire to have a baby is waning, but because I was losing confidence in the whole situation.  I was considering finding another doctor, starting over.

But that thought sent me into wild sobs, too.  I couldn't come up with a good plan that would make me feel better.  To find another doctor would mean starting over -- with everything.  I would abandon a whole year worth of work.  It would mean investing even more money in this whole process to retest what we've already tested.  It would mean a delay, and time is something I want to keep on my side.

If I can go back to my RE and achieve that feeling of We're going to get this figured out, then I will feel better again.  If I can leave there feeling cared about, then my questioning and doubt might go away.

Until then, though, I know I'll be nervous for this appointment.  I just want to be positive and feel good about every step I take moving forward.  I want to feel like everyone is in my corner, like everyone is rooting for my positive results.  I want to feel like I'm not just a patient to my doctor but someone he cares about and wants to succeed beyond how it reflects on his practice.  I want to feel like I did all the other times I had appointments there.  I want to forget that I was completely neglected for a month.

Really, more than anything, at the end I want this to work.  That's all I want.  That's all I want.