all the embryo updates.

We got three embryo updates post-retrieval.  The retrieval was on a Wednesday, so we knew nothing until Thursday around 12:45.

My nurse called to ask how I was doing and then proceeded to give me the rundown.  She said that three of my six eggs had immediately been mature enough for fertilization.  Only half.  We were doing ICSI because of J's specific fertility issues, and I was nervous about that whole process anyway.  But half?  Okay, what else?  All three of the mature eggs -- from what they could tell at this point -- had fertilized normally.  This was a relief to me.  The remaining three eggs were put in culture over night to mature, and all three had and were ready for a second-day ICSI fertilization.  At this point, I felt super hopeful that we could get a number of fertilized eggs overall.

What I didn't know is that second-day fertilization rates are really low.  I hadn't ever read about it; in fact, I probably didn't even know it was a thing at that point.

Recap:
Day 1 = 3 initially mature eggs, 3 fertilized eggs, 3 second-day mature eggs

On Friday, my call came at the same time -- around 12:45.  At this point, I decided I knew my nurse's pattern/schedule and would wait by my phone everyday beginning at 12:15.  She told me that two of the three that had fertilized were dividing, but the third had ultimately not fertilized normally -- it was polynucleated.  This automatically felt painful because we lost a possibility in those moments, but I chose to focus on the two that remained.  One of the embryos was a two-cell, and the other was a four-cell, if I'm remembering correctly.  She also told me that one of the three previously immature eggs had fertilized normally during the second-day ICSI fertilization.  That's when I decided to look up the process and the success rates only to find that rates are low!  So I was glad to accept my one new fertilized egg.  We had a total of three embryos, and all I could hope was that all three would make it to the end -- to transfer day.

My nurse reminded me that because we were looking at so few embryos, it was possible that they would determine a three-day transfer was best.  I asked her whether this was a good thing or bad thing, and she just explained that the embryos need to be back in the body; it's where they belong, where they're safest.  The five-day transfer is helpful in kind of weeding out the embryos, determining which are strongest by asking them to continue growing for a longer period of time.  I didn't have the luxury of several embryos, so the five-day transfer was up in the air.  They'd tell me tomorrow for sure -- which was the day of three-day transfer.  So it would be a last minute thing, if it was necessary.  It all, honestly, stressed me the fuck out.

Recap:
Day 2 = 2 dividing embryos (2-cell and 4-cell), 1 new fertilized egg

Saturday was my final embryo report and also the day of a three-day transfer if they decided that was my best option.  This time my nurse called while I was in the shower -- because I was expecting her call at 12:45.  My husband brought the phone in, I turned off the water, and we both huddled around my cell phone to listen to the report -- me dripping with shower water but not even noticing.

All three embryos were still dividing.  The second-day fertilization was actually making better progress than one of the two original embryos.  It was a healthy-looking four-cell.  The strongest embryo was one from the first day at eight cells, and the third was a semi-weak, or slow, four-cell.  She mentioned that our embryologist thought our strongest embryo was starting to "make some big changes," I guess transforming into a morula, which was good news.  I felt hopeful.

She explained we would definitely be waiting for day 5 to do the transfer.  I asked why -- I mean, if I only had three and if the embryos are best off in my body, what were we waiting for?  (Not that I specifically wanted to do a three-day transfer, but I just didn't understand the logic behind the decision.)  She explained that I was 27 and blah blah blah... I really felt like I didn't get an answer.  All I can make of it is that because of my age, they expected my embryos to do well/be of good quality and that perhaps my risk of triplets would be high if they transferred all three?  I don't know.

She explained that we had two level II embryos, and one level III.  I felt confident in the two level IIs.

We hung up hopeful that all three would continue doing well and the strongest of the three would really take off.  My nurse reminded us that we wouldn't receive an update the next day, Sunday, and that we wouldn't know anything more until we arrived for the transfer -- PURE TORTURE.  We got our transfer time and the remaining instructions for Monday, and our call was done.

Recap:
Day 3 = 3 dividing embryos (2 four-cells, 1 eight-cell making "changes")

The next 48 hours were really kind of excruciating.  To not know until you arrive at the hospital if you have any embryos left is awful.  I kept telling myself that they would not make us come in for the procedure if there wasn't anything to transfer.  I repeated this over and over, and that's what got me through.