I called my RE's office literally the moment they opened yesterday morning, as I had planned. I even ducked out of a meeting to stand in the hall and hit redial until it actually started ringing rather than going to their answering machine.
I spoke with the saint of a receptionist who continually tolerates me and supports me and comforts me. And she had good news. The RE and his fertility nurse had finally stayed late last night to play catch up from their absence and go through all of the waiting charts -- including mine. They went through all of my info and my cycle timing and decided I could be mapped on Oct. 30th at 3:30 p.m.
I have a fucking appointment, thank god. Finally.
I immediately felt relieved just to have an answer, to know that I can go in there and talk to someone face-to-face and get a read on how all of this will go. I was truly, truly contemplating ditching the whole plan. Not because my intense desire to have a baby is waning, but because I was losing confidence in the whole situation. I was considering finding another doctor, starting over.
But that thought sent me into wild sobs, too. I couldn't come up with a good plan that would make me feel better. To find another doctor would mean starting over -- with everything. I would abandon a whole year worth of work. It would mean investing even more money in this whole process to retest what we've already tested. It would mean a delay, and time is something I want to keep on my side.
If I can go back to my RE and achieve that feeling of We're going to get this figured out, then I will feel better again. If I can leave there feeling cared about, then my questioning and doubt might go away.
Until then, though, I know I'll be nervous for this appointment. I just want to be positive and feel good about every step I take moving forward. I want to feel like everyone is in my corner, like everyone is rooting for my positive results. I want to feel like I'm not just a patient to my doctor but someone he cares about and wants to succeed beyond how it reflects on his practice. I want to feel like I did all the other times I had appointments there. I want to forget that I was completely neglected for a month.
Really, more than anything, at the end I want this to work. That's all I want. That's all I want.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Friday, October 25, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
i'm freaking out.
A few posts ago I wrote about my futile attempts to get my RE's office to return my calls so that I could schedule my mapping (or mock embryo transfer) that was supposed to happen last week.
I called for the first time back on September 30th and have called 2-3 times a week since then. Never have I received a return phone call to ease my mind or schedule the appointment.
Nothing.
I've spoken to the receptionist every single time I've called. And I know it's not her fault. She's the one who takes the messages and leaves them for my nurse. She's the one who talks me through my frustrations on a weekly basis. She's the one who apologizes profusely for my worry and stress and the fact that I'm not receiving the care that I should. But it's not her fault that I haven't been called.
I was absolutely sure that I'd get a call today. My RE and his fertility nurse were out of state at a conference all last week (when I probably should have been mapped) and then I found out that their two other nurses are no longer there -- so they're short-staffed. I understand all of that. I get that things are busy. But I thought they'd finally get to my messages today.
At 4:36, I still hadn't heard anything, so I called. I was fairly sure their answering service would pick up by then, but I thought I might as well try. No answer.
The thing is that my mapping was supposed to be done last week -- during the third week of my third pack of birth control pills. The timing is important. And now my fear is that my IVF cycle will be pushed back. Or maybe even worse that they'll go ahead half-assed just trying to get me "done."
The way all of this is being handled is really concerning me, and I have to say that I am not feeling more and more confident in what's to come as time goes by. All of this has me wondering if I'm making the right choices -- about my doctor, about IVF, about everything.
I want a baby more than anything, and at this moment, I'm feeling like my desire and need are being taken advantage of. I want a baby so badly that I will pay what I cannot afford, and I will put myself through hell -- for a shot at one. And what do they stand to lose? A dip in their success rates?
Tonight I lost it. I talked to my husband for about an hour after I called this afternoon to no answer. We discussed our options. I shared my feelings about it all. I got teary. He suggested we drive the hour and a half to the RE's office and wait in the waiting room until someone will see us, that is if we don't get a call in the next day. I resolved to call again first thing in the morning and be very, very clear about my frustrations and my doubts. But I know it's not the receptionist's fault. And I know she already knows what I'm feeling.
My mom called as my husband and I were wrapping up our conversation. I answered, and she sensed irritation in my voice. I had already told her about my frustrations two weeks ago, but she was surprised to hear it hadn't been resolved. And then I lost control. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed to silence on the other end. All she could say was how sorry she was. I couldn't stop crying. It was ugly and pathetic, but all of my nerves and anger and concern and frustration had to go somewhere. And they did.
I remember the last thing my nurse said to me as I left my most recent appointment back in August was, "Remember just try to remain calm and stay positive!" How can I be calm when no one is caring for me? How can I remain positive about all of this if IVF hasn't even started and I'm already more than exhausted? How can I stay trusting if my RE's office won't even communicate with me?
I need to feel like I'm a priority for this to work, and it's wearing on me. Should it be this hard?
I called for the first time back on September 30th and have called 2-3 times a week since then. Never have I received a return phone call to ease my mind or schedule the appointment.
Nothing.
I've spoken to the receptionist every single time I've called. And I know it's not her fault. She's the one who takes the messages and leaves them for my nurse. She's the one who talks me through my frustrations on a weekly basis. She's the one who apologizes profusely for my worry and stress and the fact that I'm not receiving the care that I should. But it's not her fault that I haven't been called.
I was absolutely sure that I'd get a call today. My RE and his fertility nurse were out of state at a conference all last week (when I probably should have been mapped) and then I found out that their two other nurses are no longer there -- so they're short-staffed. I understand all of that. I get that things are busy. But I thought they'd finally get to my messages today.
At 4:36, I still hadn't heard anything, so I called. I was fairly sure their answering service would pick up by then, but I thought I might as well try. No answer.
The thing is that my mapping was supposed to be done last week -- during the third week of my third pack of birth control pills. The timing is important. And now my fear is that my IVF cycle will be pushed back. Or maybe even worse that they'll go ahead half-assed just trying to get me "done."
The way all of this is being handled is really concerning me, and I have to say that I am not feeling more and more confident in what's to come as time goes by. All of this has me wondering if I'm making the right choices -- about my doctor, about IVF, about everything.
I want a baby more than anything, and at this moment, I'm feeling like my desire and need are being taken advantage of. I want a baby so badly that I will pay what I cannot afford, and I will put myself through hell -- for a shot at one. And what do they stand to lose? A dip in their success rates?
Tonight I lost it. I talked to my husband for about an hour after I called this afternoon to no answer. We discussed our options. I shared my feelings about it all. I got teary. He suggested we drive the hour and a half to the RE's office and wait in the waiting room until someone will see us, that is if we don't get a call in the next day. I resolved to call again first thing in the morning and be very, very clear about my frustrations and my doubts. But I know it's not the receptionist's fault. And I know she already knows what I'm feeling.
My mom called as my husband and I were wrapping up our conversation. I answered, and she sensed irritation in my voice. I had already told her about my frustrations two weeks ago, but she was surprised to hear it hadn't been resolved. And then I lost control. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed to silence on the other end. All she could say was how sorry she was. I couldn't stop crying. It was ugly and pathetic, but all of my nerves and anger and concern and frustration had to go somewhere. And they did.
I remember the last thing my nurse said to me as I left my most recent appointment back in August was, "Remember just try to remain calm and stay positive!" How can I be calm when no one is caring for me? How can I remain positive about all of this if IVF hasn't even started and I'm already more than exhausted? How can I stay trusting if my RE's office won't even communicate with me?
I need to feel like I'm a priority for this to work, and it's wearing on me. Should it be this hard?
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
fucking call me back.
I'm going to warn you... I'm a little angry.
And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger. Which is worse, I think. But still. I'm pissed off.
You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December. My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis. At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it. All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.
I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!). At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great. Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s. This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.
During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor. I will say that my doctor is not the most personable. He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person. He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience... Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on. His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women! They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good. They express their understanding of how difficult this must be. They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay. They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that. In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August. I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy. And really, I kind of miss them.
What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks. You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles. My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills. So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget). Right on schedule, I called. I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message. She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly. This was a Monday. She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.
One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything. So I called again. I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills. Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week. So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do. I never got a call back.
The following week, 8 days later, I called again. I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything. She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.
I was beginning to panic. Everything with IVF is on a schedule. When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible. Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring. We didn't want to wait. Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process. If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to? Was this going to push everything back?
Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse. I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration. I was kind, but I was irritated. I still didn't get to talk to the nurse. Once again I was told my call would be returned.
It wasn't. So I called for a fifth time yesterday. And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized. She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.
I have to say this gave me a sense of relief. But I'm still pissed. Why did I have call so many times? Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer? Why am I not a priority? Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???
I just want all of this to work out. I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process. I want it to work. I want to be happy. And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety. How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?
I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office. It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there. We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week. We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.
Fucking call me back.
And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger. Which is worse, I think. But still. I'm pissed off.
You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December. My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis. At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it. All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.
I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!). At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great. Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s. This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.
During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor. I will say that my doctor is not the most personable. He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person. He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience... Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on. His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women! They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good. They express their understanding of how difficult this must be. They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay. They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that. In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August. I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy. And really, I kind of miss them.
What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks. You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles. My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills. So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget). Right on schedule, I called. I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message. She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly. This was a Monday. She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.
One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything. So I called again. I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills. Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week. So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do. I never got a call back.
The following week, 8 days later, I called again. I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything. She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.
I was beginning to panic. Everything with IVF is on a schedule. When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible. Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring. We didn't want to wait. Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process. If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to? Was this going to push everything back?
Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse. I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration. I was kind, but I was irritated. I still didn't get to talk to the nurse. Once again I was told my call would be returned.
It wasn't. So I called for a fifth time yesterday. And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized. She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.
I have to say this gave me a sense of relief. But I'm still pissed. Why did I have call so many times? Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer? Why am I not a priority? Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???
I just want all of this to work out. I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process. I want it to work. I want to be happy. And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety. How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?
I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office. It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there. We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week. We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.
Fucking call me back.
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