I had my appointment about a week and a half ago now. It was the big appointment I'd been waiting and waiting for -- where they'd do my mapping and give me the run-down on my schedule. I had anticipated and anticipated it, and then suddenly it was here (after much frustration that you can read about in recent posts),
When I got to my doctor's office, I was welcomed with the same warmth that I always was. I was instantly relieved to be there and so eager to learn everything that was to come during my appointment. My wait was short, and when it was my turn to be seen, they took a full IVF work-up of blood work that will test for all kinds of STDs and other viruses ... They took quite a bit of blood, but I'm so used to it by now that I actually felt excited to be sitting in that chair with the nurse and a needle in my arm. Progress!
I spent a few more minutes in the waiting room until the infertility nurse and RE could see me for my ultrasound, but it wasn't long at all. They took me back and had me change and prepare for the ultrasound. They performed a transvaginal ultrasound to take a look at my system and measure the depth of my uterus and of my cervix, as well as to note the shape and curve of my uterus (something I had never considered before). They were pleased that there wasn't an extreme curve to my uterus, so I was pleased, as well -- not really knowing why that was such a great thing until I asked. Apparently the less curve you have to your uterus, the easier it is for them to transfer the embryos via catheter on the big day. Yay for not a lot of curvature!
They counted the number of follicles I had going on each ovary and seemed really shocked to see as many as they did. Remember, I had 27 cysts when I was diagnosed with PCOS -- no dominant follicle(s). So when they revealed their surprise, I was totally freaked. The doctor even mentioned that he couldn't believe I had as many as I did after being on Lupron, the pill, and Metformin. In my mind, I was thinking everything I had been through wasn't working. I was afraid I couldn't move forward. I was afraid we would have to try something else, or they were going to tell me this was the end of the road.
They continued on with the actual mock embryo transfer which involved them actually threading the catheter through my cervix and extending it all the way to the fundus of my uterus (back of the uterus). The catheter literally poked me in the back of my uterus. (This was just for measurement purposes and they will definitely not poke me on the actual day of transfer.) My nurse kept her hand on my belly during the whole procedure letting me know it was normal to feel crampy or to feel painful twinges. She said some girls have a harder time with it than others. I did completely fine the entire time. I didn't experience any cramping or pain, and the only discomfort I felt was when I was poked in the uterus. Such a strange experience! It kind of made me feel queasy just because it was so bizarre.
All of this was over in a matter of a couple of minutes. It wasn't a big deal, they got the info they needed, and they assured me things looked good. This is when I asked about all those follicles... The nurse looked at me and said, "Oh, no, that's a good thing!" Ah! All my worry from before melted away. Apparently I had 20 follicles, and she said that's exactly what they would want to see in someone my age. I guess they just weren't expecting to considering everything my body had been to. The follicle count changes every cycle, though. So here's to hoping that it remains good news and is beneficial to my outcome.
The doctor was willing to answer any questions I had about the upcoming procedure, but between my previous conversations with him, with people who have been through it, and all of my own independent research, I felt like I understood what would happen. They assured me I'd see him again, so I didn't need to feel pressured to ask all of the questions I would ever come up with. I let him move on to the next patient so that the infertility nurse could go over everything with me.
She explained that we would go over the schedule and an overview of all of the prep info, and she would send me home with all of my consent forms and legal documents to go over with my husband. The first item she handed me was a schedule of the entire process -- every appointment was scheduled and written for me from Oct. 30th to Feb. 2nd. This made me feel so relieved after all of the stress I was put through with the most recent scheduling hiccup.
However, we received some bad news.
As I looked at the schedule, the entire procedure was set for mid-January. She began explaining as soon as she put the sheet in my hands. If you recall, we were planning to do our first IVF cycle in early to mid-December. In fact, we had to do it then if we didn't want to wait until spring. Apparently all fertility institutes that provide IVF services are required to shut down for a certain amount of time (more than a month) to inventory, clean, and follow whatever other regulations are imposed on them. Most institutes close at some point in the summer, but mine always closed beginning at the holidays and then through January. Hence, the December dates.
Apparently one week before my appointment, my nurse got a call from the institute saying they've had to completely rearrange their schedule to close in December and then open back up shortly after the New Year. This meant that three women like me who are undergoing IVF with my doctor had to be rescheduled. I didn't have a choice in the matter, and my doctor didn't have a choice in the matter.
My initial reaction was disappointment. I have been anticipating this for months and months. In my mind, I have established a schedule for the end of my semester and the holidays all based around IVF. The more I thought about it, though, the more it seemed like it might be even better for us to wait until January. And so, I am now completely at peace with it.
You see, I began my first semester as a full-time doctoral student in August. I was accepted and agreed to attend on a Fellowship back in April, around the time of my surgery when I thought we wouldn't be able to try again for about a year. I was scheduled to recover from surgery, be on Lupron for at least 6 months, bring my hormones back up with a few months of birth control, etc. Instead, though, we found out that my husband is also infertile, that I responded really well to my Lupron, and that we should pursue IVF while time is on our side -- we're 27. Knowing that I was entering into a big time of change and challenge, we decided to move forward. What other option is there? I know I can handle it, and I want this baby more than I want a PhD.
Our original IVF schedule was going to interfere with my finals, and I was going to be on all my meds starting right before Thanksgiving (a stressful time to be studying for finals and writing papers). My husband and I had purchased plane tickets this summer so that we could be in San Francisco for my aunt's wedding over Thanksgiving weekend, so I had just come to the conclusion that I'd have to cancel. We were going to have to stay home, away from our families for Thanksgiving since I wouldn't be able to travel on the meds. I was going to have to take a pregnancy test on Christmas day. I am in a dear friend's wedding on December 28th. I absolutely dreaded the thought of the significance Christmas day would hold. It would be magical if I received the best news of my life on Christmas day 2013, but I feel like it would add insult to injury to get a negative. And if I did get bad news, I couldn't imagine being functional or a good friend in the wedding.
SO. IVF in January means that my husband and I will not only be busy and occupied by the holidays and time with family leading up to the procedure, but we will also be coming off a long break from grad school for Christmas. I hope that this means I am relaxed, at peace, and ready by the time January rolls around. It will mean I can ask for massage gift certificates for Christmas, I can see my aunt marry the man she loves, my husband and I can have one last glorious California vacation, we can spend the holidays with our families, I can be a supportive bridesmaid to my friend, and I can look forward to the start of a New Year -- 2014 (I like even numbers way better, anyway). Sounds like a good plan, right?
I'm feeling optimistic today, and I like it. This could really happen. In January.
I hope and wish and pray.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
fucking call me back.
I'm going to warn you... I'm a little angry.
And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger. Which is worse, I think. But still. I'm pissed off.
You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December. My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis. At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it. All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.
I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!). At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great. Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s. This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.
During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor. I will say that my doctor is not the most personable. He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person. He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience... Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on. His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women! They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good. They express their understanding of how difficult this must be. They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay. They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that. In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August. I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy. And really, I kind of miss them.
What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks. You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles. My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills. So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget). Right on schedule, I called. I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message. She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly. This was a Monday. She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.
One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything. So I called again. I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills. Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week. So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do. I never got a call back.
The following week, 8 days later, I called again. I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything. She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.
I was beginning to panic. Everything with IVF is on a schedule. When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible. Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring. We didn't want to wait. Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process. If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to? Was this going to push everything back?
Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse. I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration. I was kind, but I was irritated. I still didn't get to talk to the nurse. Once again I was told my call would be returned.
It wasn't. So I called for a fifth time yesterday. And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized. She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.
I have to say this gave me a sense of relief. But I'm still pissed. Why did I have call so many times? Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer? Why am I not a priority? Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???
I just want all of this to work out. I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process. I want it to work. I want to be happy. And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety. How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?
I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office. It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there. We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week. We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.
Fucking call me back.
And this isn't my usual what-did-I-do-to-deserve-infertility anger. Which is worse, I think. But still. I'm pissed off.
You see, I'm due for my first IVF attempt at the beginning of December. My last appointment with my RE was on August 7th where they decided I didn't need my remaining three Lupron shots because I had responded so well and there seemed to be no evidence of my advanced endometriosis. At this appointment, they talked to us about IVF, and my husband and I decided to go for it. All of our questions were answered, we discussed the financial side, and we put a tentative schedule together with my doctor and nurse. I left feeling completely overwhelmed and anticipating the next four months as we made our way to the weeks of IVF process.
I was referred to my RE last spring after 14 months of trying (and it was a battle to get that referral -- something else that still pisses me off!). At the time, I had no idea who he was or why he was so great. Come to find he's one of the most successful in the nation and was actually on the team who achieved the first IVF pregnancy back in the 80s. This boosted my confidence in his knowledge, ability, professionalism, etc. and so I've always felt that I'm in good hands.
During my first visit, I came to know the receptionist/office manager and all of the nursing staff, as well as my doctor. I will say that my doctor is not the most personable. He has never once offered consolation, and it's clear he doesn't have a whole lot of empathy. He's smart, he knows what he's doing, and that's why he's successful -- but he's just not a warm person. He would be even more successful, in my opinion, if he could express some compassion for his patients and could make it a more personal experience... Not happening as of now, so I'm moving on. His nursing staff, though, and his office manager -- amazingly wonderful women! They are kind, they give me hugs, they make me feel good. They express their understanding of how difficult this must be. They tell my husband and I that they've been thinking of us and hoping we're doing okay. They make me feel like a human being, and I am forever grateful for that. In fact, I've been going through complete withdrawals since I haven't been in for an appointment since August. I had been in every 2-3 weeks since March, and this absence makes me feel uneasy. And really, I kind of miss them.
What I'm really pissed about, though, is how my case has been handled in the past 3-4 weeks. You see, when I left my August 7th appointment, I left with several prescriptions -- Metformin to address my PCOS, Dostinex to address my elevated Prolactin levels, and three packs of birth control to get my hormone levels back up, to keep endometriosis away, and to regulate my cycles. My instructions were to call and schedule an appointment for mapping when I started my third pack of birth control pills. So of course I figured up the day of my first pill of the third pack and put a reminder into my phone to call and schedule the appointment (as if I would forget). Right on schedule, I called. I talked to the receptionist/office manager, and she took a message. She wanted to talk to the fertility nurse to make sure she scheduled it correctly. This was a Monday. She assured me I would be called back within a couple of days.
One week passed, and I hadn't heard anything. So I called again. I reminded her of my issue and that I needed to schedule an appointment for during my third week of pills. Come to find out, my doctor and the fertility nurse will be out of town that entire week. So the receptionist was going to talk to the nurse and figure out what they should do. I never got a call back.
The following week, 8 days later, I called again. I reminded her once again what was going on and that I hadn't heard anything. She assured me that the nurse would get back to me within two days.
I was beginning to panic. Everything with IVF is on a schedule. When my husband and I decided to go forward, we decided to go forward as soon as possible. Our fertility clinic is closed during the months of January and February, so if for some reason we didn't or couldn't move forward right away, we were going to have to wait to start this entire process until the spring. We didn't want to wait. Not getting answers in regards to my mapping appointment was making me worry about the entire schedule of this process. If they couldn't map when they planned to, could they even do the IVF procedures when they planned to? Was this going to push everything back?
Wouldn't you know it, I never heard back from the nurse. I called again four days later, and this time I assertively expressed my panic and frustration. I was kind, but I was irritated. I still didn't get to talk to the nurse. Once again I was told my call would be returned.
It wasn't. So I called for a fifth time yesterday. And on my fifth attempt to talk to someone, the receptionist told me that she had been left with instructions to schedule my appointment early next week and that she would call me to do so once their schedule was finalized. She assured me that everything would be okay, nothing would be pushed back.
I have to say this gave me a sense of relief. But I'm still pissed. Why did I have call so many times? Why did I have to fight so hard for such a simple answer? Why am I not a priority? Why don't they have a fucking nurse's line???
I just want all of this to work out. I want December to be here, and I want to strip away all of the mystery of this IVF process. I want it to work. I want to be happy. And I don't want my RE's office -- the only place that can possibly help me -- to be a major source of stress and anxiety. How can I relax and feel positively about this process and this experience when I can't get the answers I need?
I love these people, and they are so good to me when I'm receiving care in their office. It's hard for me to even reconcile that I have such trouble with them when I'm not there. We'll see if I'm contacted to get this appointment made for next week. We'll see if I have to advocate for myself as usual.
Fucking call me back.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
getting ahead of myself.
My mom, who through all of our trying to conceive, was just sure I needed to relax, to quit worrying about it, has finally come around to realizing it wasn't my stress level, and I wasn't crazy for being so sure something was wrong. She gets the truth of it all now -- that we're infertile.
Now she's very sensitive to hearing about other couples' struggles with infertility or journeys toward adoption or IVF, or whatever the case may be. A couple of weekends ago, she called me with news about a couple she met who had adopted a baby. She had gotten their contact information for me and assured me that the mother was more than happy to talk to me about the process.
Maybe this should make me more uncomfortable than it does, but I'm all for reaching out to others who have struggled with infertility, who have chosen one path over the other, who have taken the adoption route or the IVF route, or whatever. I'm all about making connections and learning from other people who have been there. As I've said many times, this is a very lonely road, so if talking with others who have been there makes it a little bit more bearable, then I'm goin' for it.
So I called this gal. Remember, though, that I've got IVF scheduled. It's happening in December. All of my focus should be on staying positive and getting ready for this life-changing procedure, right?
Why can I not just keep my focus on IVF??
Should I really be calling complete strangers that my mom talked to about adoption? Should I really even be thinking about that right now? Am I dooming my chances at IVF by not putting all of my figurative eggs in one basket? Does this mean I'm not totally committed to IVF? Does this mean I don't believe it will work?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and I am likely to drive myself nuts considering the possibilities if I dwell on them too long. But it all does make me wonder. Should I be less realistic and instead, more optimistic? Probably. And I'm working on it, but I haven't mastered it yet.
I'm incredibly aware that I essentially have a 50/50 shot at this. I think maybe my way of coping with this incredibly unsettling probability and my awareness of the fact that this very well may not work, is to keep my mind open to all of the other possibilities... Maybe my thinking is that if I keep investing myself into other options, if IVF doesn't work, I won't crash so hard knowing that there is a next step.
Really, though, I want to be excited. I want to truly anticipate our upcoming IVF and hope-hope-hope that it works. And I want to believe that it can work and that it will work. How do I convince myself of these things? How do I live in the moment?
I called that woman. And she talked with more for over an hour and was so kind and so supportive. And she, like all other women dealing with infertility, made me feel as though I'm in good company. She taught me a lot about the process and what to expect if we do go down that road. And she made me feel hopeful -- that one way or another, I will be a mother.
But right now my path is to see if I can achieve motherhood through IVF. I want to focus on that and only that. Does anyone have any tips? How do I put my blinders on and quit constantly considering the possibility that it won't work?
Now she's very sensitive to hearing about other couples' struggles with infertility or journeys toward adoption or IVF, or whatever the case may be. A couple of weekends ago, she called me with news about a couple she met who had adopted a baby. She had gotten their contact information for me and assured me that the mother was more than happy to talk to me about the process.
Maybe this should make me more uncomfortable than it does, but I'm all for reaching out to others who have struggled with infertility, who have chosen one path over the other, who have taken the adoption route or the IVF route, or whatever. I'm all about making connections and learning from other people who have been there. As I've said many times, this is a very lonely road, so if talking with others who have been there makes it a little bit more bearable, then I'm goin' for it.
So I called this gal. Remember, though, that I've got IVF scheduled. It's happening in December. All of my focus should be on staying positive and getting ready for this life-changing procedure, right?
Why can I not just keep my focus on IVF??
Should I really be calling complete strangers that my mom talked to about adoption? Should I really even be thinking about that right now? Am I dooming my chances at IVF by not putting all of my figurative eggs in one basket? Does this mean I'm not totally committed to IVF? Does this mean I don't believe it will work?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and I am likely to drive myself nuts considering the possibilities if I dwell on them too long. But it all does make me wonder. Should I be less realistic and instead, more optimistic? Probably. And I'm working on it, but I haven't mastered it yet.
I'm incredibly aware that I essentially have a 50/50 shot at this. I think maybe my way of coping with this incredibly unsettling probability and my awareness of the fact that this very well may not work, is to keep my mind open to all of the other possibilities... Maybe my thinking is that if I keep investing myself into other options, if IVF doesn't work, I won't crash so hard knowing that there is a next step.
Really, though, I want to be excited. I want to truly anticipate our upcoming IVF and hope-hope-hope that it works. And I want to believe that it can work and that it will work. How do I convince myself of these things? How do I live in the moment?
I called that woman. And she talked with more for over an hour and was so kind and so supportive. And she, like all other women dealing with infertility, made me feel as though I'm in good company. She taught me a lot about the process and what to expect if we do go down that road. And she made me feel hopeful -- that one way or another, I will be a mother.
But right now my path is to see if I can achieve motherhood through IVF. I want to focus on that and only that. Does anyone have any tips? How do I put my blinders on and quit constantly considering the possibility that it won't work?
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