it's so strange.

In previous posts I've mentioned the grieving process in regards to infertility.  For me, the ups and downs are uncontrollable.

For the past few days, I have truly felt good.  Maybe I've had proper distractions, maybe I've just been too busy to wallow, maybe I've hit a period of rationality (which is guaranteed to be brief)... I don't know.  But right now I'm feeling hopeful and positive and eager for December to get here.

Now, when I let myself think about what December getting here means, I get a little panicky.  For lots of reasons, I suppose.  For the most part, I feel panicky that I will have an answer and that it could be the answer I don't want to hear.  On the flip side of that panic, though, is such intense excitement and hope.  And if I get the answer I've wanted for so long, I can only begin to imagine how I might process it.

I make a conscious effort not to use the word 'exciting' when describing my anticipation of the coming months because excitement doesn't begin to cover it.  I would definitely use that word if I knew IVF was going to work.  I would definitely use it if I knew I would get good news.  I am not guaranteed any of that, though.  In fact, there's an equally good chance that I will be disappointed beyond belief.  That I will enter a new level of mourning in this journey.  That I won't know what to do next.  And for the reasons that I will experience one of two very different results, I am overwhelmed by the approach of December.  That's the only word that currently works for me.  Overwhelmed.

For now... For now I'm going to work on concentrating on today and what I might be able to accomplish in the moment.  I'm going to enjoy my day-to-day.  Stay positive and hopeful.  And in the background, I will anticipate December.