too much.

I've really been doing well lately.  Trying to stay positive; trying not to stress too much about our situation.

But then something happens that just sends you over the edge, and suddenly you're not doing so well anymore.

My husband and I are both infertile.  (More on his situation in a post to-come.)  Back in May, my RE wanted to do a semen analysis, you know, just to make sure we didn't also have to worry about my husband's fertility.  So they did one.  It came back that he has a severely low sperm count, poor motility, and poor morphology.  We were devastated.  The doctor's next step was to have my husband come in immediately for blood work and a karyotype (map of chromosomes) to help rule out any easy --- or difficult, I suppose, considering the chromosomes... -- fixes.  All of this was submitted to insurance.

On Saturday we got home from picking up my vehicle from the service department at the dealership.  We had just written a check for $1,100 for its repairs when I checked our mail.  There was a bill from the hospital my RE works with.  Four months later.

$1,400.

That's what we owe for my husband's blood work.  Did I mention his blood work didn't reveal any easy fixes?  It didn't reveal anything abnormal at all.  It gave no new information.

$1,400.  A giant fucking reminder of our infertility.  A reminder of how much this is financially costing us in addition to the physical, mental, and emotional tolls.

$1,400.  A bill we can't afford.  And we haven't even started IVF yet.

We have already spent thousands.  We still don't have our baby.  So I broke down...  Because I was reminded of how much we have already been through and how little we have to show for it.  Because I'm tired, and we're broke, and this isn't easy.  Because I need to stay strong and positive as we enter this next phase -- this phase where we have our best and only chance at this, but I'm not sure if I can.

And then I got over it.  It's $1,400, but it's only money, right? It might be money I don't have, but someday I will, and when I have my baby, I won't think for a second about this stupid bill.

I just need my baby.